Crazy. Ass. Dream.

Okay.

Occasionally I have these really weird-ass dreams. Like, really weird-ass dreams. Usually when I have a really weird-ass dream, I share a condensed version on Facebook.

There was no way I could make this one into a condensed version.

So in this weird-ass dream, I was getting ready for a fancy party with my friends Stephan and Nikki. We were in a big ballroom, and all three of us were dressed like royalty. I was wearing a dark red ballgown, Nikki wore a beautiful lilac dress that flowed really nicely, and Stephan wore a simple black suit.

Then the guests started to arrive. My friend Jalapeno (I have two best friends named John. One I call "Jalapeno" and the other i just call "J. Lynch") shows up with Lea Michele from Glee. They didn't talk to us. They sang to us. They fucking sang everything. They sang about their careers, personal lives, even their sex life. Um, that's good for you two, but I don't need to hear anything about your sex life.

The next guests to show up were my ex and his family. His parents came in first, both looking like they just came from a KISS concert (I DON'T KNOW IF THEY EVEN LIKE KISS), followed by his sister, who wore a tight leopard-print jumpsuit (I can't even...). Then, along came my ex, who brought along his new girlfriend:

a cow.

Yes, a cow. As in the mammals who go "moo" and produce milk from their multiple nipples. And said cow was wearing this ugly-ass blue frilly dress and wouldn't stop bragging about her adventures with my ex.

Ugh.

While I was thinking of ways to turn our cow guest into the main dish, Nikki comes to me and says that my friend K.P. was trying to get through one of the windows. She points over to Stephan, who is trying to pull Alan Rickman, David Bowie, and K.P., who donned a bright yellow leather dress that showed way too much. She then went over to talk to the cow without even saying hi to any of us. The cow continues to brag about how my ex would get her aroused by sucking all her nipples at once. At this point, Nikki and I had enough with the cow. We approach her and kindly tell her to change the topic, which prompts the cow, my ex and his sister to start bitching at us about caring what they were talking about and told us to mind our own business. A few seconds into the bitching, Nikki attacks the cow. 

Stephan, our knight in shining armor, helps me and Nikki subdue the cow, and the two of them take her to the kitchen. My ex at this point is screaming his lungs off, as is his sister. K.P. manages to appear out of nowhere and calms them down. 

Later that night, as we're all waiting for our dinner, Nikki and Stephan appears with two plates full of steak.

..................I should probably see someone about these dreams................