Reflections

Why is it that whenever I want to post something, it's always in the wee hours of the morning? Meh, whatever.

So as of Sunday, my ex and I have been broken up for seven months. And as of Wednesday, for the first time in seven months, it all feels okay. I mean, sure I still have my psycho rants, and my friends yell at me whenever I mention his name, but otherwise, it all feels like I've gotten better these past few months.

I guess it all hit me when he texted me a month ago. I was just happy he acknowledged my existence, since all the times I tried talking to him, I was completely ignored. We talked for a good few hours - about school, what has been going on, all that jazz. Then I finally told him about how our one friend wanted to go out with me - something that I've been wanting to tell him, but didn't because I knew I'd be ignored.

From there the conversation escalated from "just checking to see how you were" to "you're a bitch and make me feel like shit".

Huh.

Imagine you got a puppy. You and that puppy were absolutely inseparable, yet when the two year mark comes along, the puppy starts to hang out with the assholes called your siblings, causing the puppy to shun you and snap whenever you came near it. I know, it's an absurd senario, but that's how I felt about the whole thing. Having someone who you gave your heart to say that you make him feel like shit really takes a toll on you. I didn't know how to deal with it.

My friends were furious. Some of them actually wanted to text him and cuss him out, but I told them not to in fear of him never acknowledging my existence again. Eventually, it came to the point where they took my phone and deleted his number themselves, which I suppose was a good thing, because now I don't feel tempted to text him or anything.

So after that fiasco, I've been trying to keep myself busy. Papers have definitely been helping, as well as the speeches and blog posts and the antics that my friends and I do on a daily basis. In fact, Wednesday night was when I finally got the closure that everything was okay.

With the constant nightmares I had over the weekend and on Monday, I had a pretty rough night on Tuesday, so I was dreading Wednesday like nothing else. On Wednesday afternoon, Haley and Ashley came and got me for dinner, then Haley and I went back to their room while Ashley went to her six o'clock class. While Haley and I were chilling out, my grandmother texted - TEXTED - me, asking if I wanted Texas Roadhouse when I came home for Thanksgiving, then proceeded to say she "misses me more than steak". It totally made my day, since I am so close to my grandmother (I didn't cry about leaving for college until I hugged her goodbye for the last time back in August). After that, Haley had a sudden craving for McDonald's, so we went on an adventure to McDonald's.

We had chocolate milkshakes.

That was my first chocolate milkshake since AUGUST.

We even made a point to talk like Thor while drinking them. "This drink. What is the meaning of it? It is like a thick milk whipped to taste like the chocolate of this realm. I LIKE IT! ANOTHER!"

Our friend Ylandre decided to join us when we got back, and the three of us (and Ashley when she got out of class) watched "South Beach Towing" on truTV for a good few hours. We were all dying, especially when Ylandre started making scenarios up about how she would respond to the assholes on that show.

Anyone need a bouncer or security guard? Call Ylandre. She's got you covered.

A bit later, Kristi and our friend Bethany joined us. Kristi was letting Haley re-dye her hair, while Bethany decided that she needed a girl's night. Her boyfriend and her have been going through a rough patch lately, and she needed to get away for a while.

And that's when I realized it.

I was having fun. I was happy. Sure I might've brought Riko's name up a few times, but I didn't feel that empty feeling whenever I would talk about him before. For the first time in seven fucking months, I was able to tell myself that everything was okay; that with the friends I have now at college, I didn't need a boyfriend right away to make myself happy. It was one of those moments that you just can't help smiling about.

With Thanksgiving right around the corner, it's the perfect time to feel thankful for everything that has happened to me in these past few months. I'm thankful for my awesome friends - the many I have here and the few I have back home - for sticking by me no matter what. I'm thankful for the opprotunity to actually be able to buckle down and get my shit together. And I'm also thankful that Riko texted me that October night, because I believe that was the push that I really needed to discover who I truly am.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am a bitch. A selfish, lying, no good, brutally honest bitch. I am the definition of "potty mouth", I am the laziest person on this planet, and I tend to hold grudges for a long time. But on the other hand, I am loyal to my friends as a dog is loyal to its longtime family. When I say "I love you" I mean it, and when I say "I hate you", you better sleep with your eyes open. If you fuck with my friends, you fuck with me, and I know I'm not the strongest person on earth, but I promise I will mentally fuck you up. I am fucking proud of who I am, and if you don't like it, then don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Because if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.