An Inside Look

Let's take a look at my beautiful downward spiral, shall we?

So last week, my counselor brought up a good point; she noticed that I tend to suppress my emotions. For the last week, I've been thinking about this and realized that she's right.

I can count everyone I am emotionally honest with on one hand. Otherwise, I tend to hide them from everyone. My friends here are starting to notice and are getting concerned, which I don't blame them for, but I just need a little more time before I decide they're ready for my complete emotional honesty.

As for the one-hand count of people that have earned my full emotional honesty, they are actually very unfortunate. Sometimes I think that they can't handle it. Riko couldn't handle it, and he was was boyfriend. He even told me "God help anyone who has to deal with it" (and he's probably gonna read this and claim "bullshit" but I'm just telling it like it is). I'm seriously surprised that everyone else hasn't broken down because they couldn't handle my emotions.

When I suppress my emotions, sometimes I can pull off being okay and sometimes I can't. I did nothing but cry and get pissed at everything the last stretch of my senior year because I felt like nobody would help or listen to me. Riko had turned from the boyfriend who would listen to my rants and at least attempt to offer some degree of comfort, to the boyfriend who listened to my rants and said "so?" afterwards (and I can definitely hear him call "bullshit" on that one, but again, I'm just telling it like it is). So after we broke up, I thought that if my own boyfriend didn't care for my emotions, that nobody would. My mother, in all honesty, wasn't helping the situation either, so every night I would come to rehearsal practically in tears because I would go from hearing her opinion about my bum ass life to watching people hang all over my ex like he was the big cheese.

I think we've come to the conclusion that the break up made me emotionally and psychologically exhausted multiple fucking times, but la dee fucking da, here I am saying again to get my point across.

Now with that being said about my wonderful ex, let me tell you something about KP: that girl can read me like an open book. I can't hide anything from that girl. I don't even have to talk for her to realize something's wrong. When I had that anxiety attack in December, she knew exactly what to say to attempt to calm me down. That's what makes her one of the few people I can be emotionally honest with. She's known me for fifteen years, you know. Most people would've been fucking gone by now.

Now with that being said, if you encounter me and I appear pissed/sad/distant, it's because I'm hiding my emotions. Truthfully, I feel that very few people a worthy my of emotional honesty, and if there are people that think they are, then I would really like them to show it.

All right, thinking about my fucked up emotional state makes me sleepy. Nap time.