Here's an Update for Ya

Wow, okay. So here's my excuse about why I've been absent.

It's been...hard, this past month; nothing but stress. I've been doing a little too much thinking lately about life and what's in store.

My mind has been in a very dark place lately. I really can't fully explain it to you until I figure out a way to explain it to myself. My friends and I don't really do anything together anymore, and I've been shutting myself away from pretty much everyone.

Have you ever had the feeling where you think something is right for you, yet there's that little voice in the back of your head that tells you how it's not anymore? That's kind of a short description of how I've been feeling.

I've been absolutely miserable lately, and it's pissing me off. Like, I have no right to be miserable, right? I'm the one who chose to come here, I'm the one who made the choices that I did last year, so I have no right to be miserable because I did all this to myself, right?

For the past few weeks, I have been seriously considering moving back home and commuting to Cleveland State. Besides the fact that it's a hell of a lot cheaper than where I am now, especially since I wouldn't be living on campus, the fact that they have a whole separate major for film and digital media is what's really drawing me to it. Here I'm a Communication Arts major with a concentration in electronic media production, but there aren't very many courses or resources here that I can use for that.

The thing that's keeping me from moving back home is just that: being back home. Seriously guys, I was on the verge of committing homicide from being home for three months, and it's already bad enough that I have people calling me about my grades while I'm three hours away. If I moved back home, it'll be high school all over again. I know some of my family supporting the decision of me moving back home (my dad especially - he's been nothing but supportive since I brought it up), and I know my boss would gladly put me back on the schedule so I know I'll have a secure job, but it's still a big, stressful decision.

So basically it's down to two choices: stay here and be miserable, or go home and be miserable. Either way I'm miserable, right? And that's where most of the darker thoughts come into play.

I seriously think I'm going crazy, you guys. Like I know I've stated how I'm a fucking psychopath in the past, but I really genuinely think I'm going insane. There's something wrong with me, I just know it, but I don't know what it is and it's really scaring me. I'm not sleeping at night; the other day I went to class on about an hour and a half of sleep. I'm only eating about one meal a day and that's mostly dinner; sometimes I have to force myself to eat something small for lunch. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to hang out with anyone, and I'm losing friends because of it. Every day I want to cry, but I can't. This is seriously scaring me.

So if I take longer gaps in posting things on here, you know the reason why. I'm just trying to figure myself out and dealing with school on top of that.

And please, for my fucking sanity, don't start bombarding me with questions about this. If you want to be worried, be my guest, but don't call or text or Facebook or Twitter message me or some shit going "I'M SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU WHY WON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG", 'cause like I said, I don't even know what's wrong, so please don't try to force me to talk about it.

Thank fucking Jesus it's Friday.  Maybe a nice weekend of Zelda and Thor: the Dark World press stuff will calm me down a smidge.

Happy November, everyone. Let the Christmas shit commence.