I would like to thank the countless assholes that come into my place of work and make this possible. Fuck you, and please keep coming back and giving me more material for rants like this.
SO in case you haven't figured it out by the title, I'm a cashier. I've been a cashier for a little over two years now. I deal with a lot of people during my shifts, and some of the things I've seen and heard while at work are fucking ridiculous. Therefore, in true blogger fashion, I kept a notebook in my purse and wrote down everything that bothered me while I was dealing with customers, and, after two years of keeping in the frustration, am now ranting about it to people on the internet, who will then go on about how much of a raging bitch I am.
First thing's first, though: I actually like my job. Most days I look forward into going in. My coworkers are awesome, and some of them have even become part of my inner circle of friends. But the customers are assholes like 90% of the time.
Like, if your cashier greets you, at least acknowledge it. "Pack'a Winston lights" is not a proper response to "hi". It irks me so much. Like three people responded to my greetings with silence or a cigarrette order. You're are assholes.
ALSO, PRO TIP: THE SMELL OF YOUR DISGUSTING CIGARRETTE/CIGAR SMOKE DOES NOT MASK YOUR BODY ODER. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS SACRED IN THIS WORLD PLEASE PUT ON DEODERANT BEFORE YOU LEAVE YOUR FUCKING HOUSE.
Also, another pro tip: when you do get to your cigarrette/cigar request, please be specific. Chances are your cashier might be a non-smoker. When I first started working up at the front registers (usually I'm at the movie register that people barely go to, thank Jesus), I had absolutely no clue which cigarrettes were which. Luckily, 95% of the people that came to my register for cigarrettes were really patient, and would gladly point out the right packs. Occasionally I had the nasty old farts that looked at me like I was growing another head. I don't get that kind of response anymore since I know where and what everything is, but still.
Another tip: GET OFF YOUR GODDAMN PHONE. Seriously. I can't stress this enough. Not only is it rude to the cashier taking care of you, but it's rude to the people around you. Nobody wants to hear your conversation. It can wait two seconds until you leave the store. One time a lady in my line was on the phone talking to her friend about having surgery to get fat from her stomach moved to her ass. It costs about $4K. I didn't need to know that. But now I do.
Now, let me explain you a thing about paying in cash with bigger bills and cash back on debit. We don't mind when you do this, like, halfway through our shifts when we've accumulated enough money in our drawers to cater to your needs. But if you see that your cashier is just starting their shift, or even if you're coming in right when the store is opening, and you're paying for your $5 thing with a $50 bill, then you're an asshole, and natural selection is coming for you. Same thing goes for paying for a $0.25 stick of gum with your debit card and asking for $40 cash back. One time someone did this right after he watched me switch with my coworker. Also, since I'm mostly in the back at the movie register, where I only make about $400 on a good night, it's nice if you ask your cashier if you even have the money in your drawer. Most people that come back to the movie register do. Others get mad when I have to go to customer service to get the money since the majority of my drawer are singles and fives.
This next pro tip is brought to you by your friendly neighborhood depressed single lady that's 100000% tired of being surrounded by happy couples: please don't do PDA at my register. You're happy. I get it. Please stop making out. And stop grabbing each other's asses. That's happened, too. Kissing your boo thang is not a proper response to "do you want this in a bag". Please stop. Or just stop going out in public altogether.
This pro tip is dedicated to my friend Yoshi, who has been told that he is "a pretty good-looking young fella except for his face": you might think it's funny, but we probably won't, so it's in your best interest to keep your mouth shut. Except that moment was pretty fucking funny and I'll never let him live it down. But seriously.
One time at the tail-end of my Sunday morning shift, this dude came up to my register and asked me how often a married couple should do the hanky panky. And he wanted an answer. He wouldn't walk away from my register until he got an answer from the virgin asexual cashier about how often a married couple should do the diddly. It was not a great day.
So this was about half of the list that I had, but I think this pretty much covers it for now. This shit is literally the only shit going on in my life right now. I'm really not doing too well.
Less than 4 months until Didny Worl. Let's do this.
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