Well. Here we are again. Here's me, pouring my heart out to you, which you are going to ignore. So why am I doing this?
Let me tell you something. When I visited Chanel a few weeks back, I was about to close the door on Stephan's car when I saw you. You were in the spot you normally parked in when you had to pick Serena up, leaning against your car with your arms crossed, attempting to look like some bad ass college boy. Well the urge to go down to you and say "hi" came to me immediately, you know? But then I remembered that I was the bitch that made you feel like shit.
So I started panicking. Should I go down and talk to you with the high risk of being turned away? Or should I stay in the car?
I stayed in the car. I stayed in the car with Stephan rubbing my back and Kateri calmly talking to me while blocking my view from you as I had a breakdown.When I saw your car pull away, I burst into tears. I missed my chance.
It was after that that I realized: all this time we were only looking at the bad aspects of our relationship. So I'm was Roseanne-level bitch and you were a cocky asshole for the last stretch, but is that the only thing you want to remember? That I was a total bitch? 'cause I don't want to remember our relationship as you being a cocky asshole.
With the year coming to an end, I'm going to focus, for once, on the good things about our relationship. Don't you remember when we would get dirty looks from old people when we blasted The Lonely Island in your car? Or when we went to Wildwater Kingdom and you and J. Lynch screamed like little girls on Liquid Lightning? Or last Christmas, when I got you the first season of Big Bang Theory and watched the first 2 disks before I had to go home? Or when we went to see the last Harry Potter at midnight and you laughed because I was bawling my eyes out?
My favorite memory of us was your sixteenth birthday. Dad went behind your back to pick me up so we could go to dinner at DeAngelo's, where I gave you that engraved flash drive. The look on your face when you saw me at the door was absolutely priceless! You literally jumped the stairs to get to me, you were that excited, believe it or not. It was precious. Then after dinner we came home and watched Guys and Dolls with Mom, Dad and Serena, and you wouldn't let go of me the whole time. It was the most intimate, romantic day I have ever experienced. We ended up having a lot of those. I really hope you remember them and not just me being a bitch.
When I texted you yesterday, it really took me 10 minutes to press "send". I was so nervous that you were going to just blow it off. But you responded, even it was just a generic answer. There was no hate involved, I wasn't called a bitch, there was no hateful things said...it was nice.
I know we'll probably never cross paths again, but know this: I don't regret the two years I got to spend with you. Give Mom, Dad and Serena my love, if they'll still accept it, and I hope 2013 will be a whole new adventure for you as it will for me.
I would say "I love you", but then my friends would give me shit about it, so...good luck. In everything you do.
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