Ridiculous Feelings

Okay, before I start going off, know this: I love my parents. As much as they can be ridiculously difficult, I still love them and wish them nothing but happiness (even though sometimes I prevent that from happening).

Now with that being said, tonight I have come to realize something that I have always denied:

I am ridiculously jealous of my parents.

My parents have been divorced since I was two. My mother has had the same boyfriend for as long as I can remember, and my dad kept his girlfriend a secret from me until I was about thirteen. Now again, I love them both very much and have been denying this fact of jealously for years, but ever since my breakup last year, the feeling has started to become more obvious than normal. They have found someone after their heartbreak, and I think that's the fact that has been driving me crazy since last April.

Lately I have started to feel like a third wheel whenever I go out with one of my parents and their significant other. Sometimes there would be a fourth wheel for me to talk to, like Beba or Squirt or one of my friends, but I was mostly alone. When I was in a relationship, I thought I had finally evened it out, so that whenever my parent and significant other started getting lovey-dovey and googly-eyed with each other, my boyfriend and I would do the same, instead of me just sitting there awkwardly then getting yelled at when resorting to my phone to try to get away from the awkwardness.

And it's not like I hate their significant others either. My mom's boyfriend has been a huge part of my life since I was little, and my dad's girlfriend has helped me through a lot these past few years. It's just really frustrating that I've felt like this toward all of them.

My parents have let themselves move on, yet I made myself so fucked up to the point that I'm still chained to the past. My friends are starting to let up on the "OMG YOU NEED A BOYFRIEND" spiels lately and have been telling me to be myself and hope for the best.

However, considering the fact that the only action I've gotten after being single for this long was the campus creeper giving me a peanut butter cookie and then proceed with trying to make out with me, there's not really that much hope right now.